I can't believe that I haven't posted here in almost a year. I guess too many social websites to keep up with: FB, email, Tumblr, Ed2010, CN, etc.

My weight battles remain unchanged, unfortunately. I'm pretty much in the same place, I still keep going up and down a couple pounds. I am no longer fasting or restricting a lot, but I still binge/purge.

I've finished my thesis paper on EDs and magazines and I'm so happy that I got to present it. I've learned so much in the process, about the emotional side, the technicalities, everything.

For example, I'm not bulimic. By technical means. I've basically memorized the ED section of the DSM-IV and I know the criteria for EDs. I don't fall under bulimia.

It really maddens me that this is what separates a sick person from recovery, because they're not determined as "fully ill."

Anyway, if I do go to grad school, I want to focus on EDs again. The world needs it.

So yesterday, I binged on ice cream and purged most of it out I think. At least half, I know that. Yeah, I know I caved. I don't b/p too often (hence I'm not bulimic, stupid DSM) so yesterday was something else. But I'm okay. I can get over this.

I hate being put on hold, PERIOD!

By the way, College Board needs to fire some of their customer representatives... they don't do you much good at solving a problem! That's what they pay you for, just so you know!

SICKNESS!

By the way, the new organic bronzer I got from Physician's Formula totally smells. But I get it... no artificial fragrances. It colors quite nicely, though, but I think you have to blend it more than normal formulas. Which is weird.

Kerjaan kayaknya banyak banget yah tiap hair?
Mandi! Beneran deh, gua tuh kayaknya males banget, sih?

Gossip Girl hari ini! Whoo! Jem delapan... yay. Ok deh, bener, gua mao mandi, kalo engak entar di marahin same nyoks.

Well, so far today, all I've done is log on to LiveJournal. In fact, I've been here for hours!

I also talked to my supervisor and then to my editor. I wrote a tiny piece for SAHMAnswers.com.

Afterwards, I visited Bex's blog, but she hasn't updated it in a few days. I am slowly becoming a blog addict; I guess that's understandable when my job is visiting Perez Hilton's website and refreshing it every hour to see if any new Hollywood dirt has come out.

My laptop is getting frisky. It's kinda warm now. Which means either my desk is too crowded or I've used it for too long. Both are true, sadly.

I've only eaten celery with hummus today, and some of the eggs in rendang sauce thingy... I don't know what it's called, haha.

Okay, I should go shower now. And exfoliate. Toodle-oo!

xo
~

Well, I just got back from work. Whoo, sliced a mango and then some.

Good mangoes. Anyway, I really should start my other work right now... aka writing about celebs, but I am way too lazy. I suppose I should really get some done, since I need 5 more hours worth to meet my weekly deadline, and in three hrs I'm going to Jenny's party.


UGGH. So need a cocktail right now.

I suppose I should tire the subject of guys.
Recap from yesterday:

Jacob was not there. Did not see Tucker or PeacoatBoy. SweaterBoy, however, WAS THERE! in the freaking library again! I'm like, OKAY wow... I just wish I knew what was up with him! Haha, no relationship--just, what the hell do you do all day?

Kay, anyways. That's that. I suppose God's plan is to let me practice my skills with these guys. -_-... right. I only thought that because my outfit looked damn good yesterday. Only my outfit though.

139 this morning. Bitch.
Found out singing burns a whole lotta calories for just singing. Luckily, that's what I do all day, sitting at the computer blasting out. Don't feel like eating today. I'm going to the dentist anyway, so I don't want food stuck back in there somewhere.

Might have a popscicle if need be.
Got a buttload to do today. Here's me wishing myself luck. 

Finals over!

'Nuff said.

Didn't see Jacob today. Or SweaterBoy. Or PeacoatBoy.

fffffffftttt. k. gonna go eat now, maybe. or write. whichever. 

Grr, I ate so much today!
At least it's not all junk food, but still a lot.
[Damn Chips Ahoy]

And I realized how out of shape I am. I did 10 minutes of Bob Greene's bootcamp, and my chest started closing up on me. Pfft...
Even though I do yoga twice a week (I guess that's very litle =] )

Thank goodness I only have finals to deal with now. And after that, I'm done yo... I can workout. Sweet! 

of the previous post. before sarah got there.

k so like i said, i often feel very, very pathetic. There's a guy named Tucker in my IPE class that is just: perfect. I mean, for real. He's not jocky or cocky, but not emo. And I don't know how to explain it. But it's like when I'm near him--you can feel it, you know? So you see how desperately pathetic I sound?

And today was the last day of class (dammit) and it was the only chance we had to speak (albeit briefly =[ ). ERK!! Lord, why do you come up with these feelings for us?

Annoying, no!?

And it sucks because today is the last day of instruction before finals. There's a lot of people (including guys) that I won't get to see for a long time; and in some cases, forever, because I don't know if they'll come back next fall or not.

I hate myself sometimes. I'm so stupid and unattractive and I expect too much of people. I'm so stupid and think I'm so great when I'm not. I'm just very mad at myself and I don't know what to do...

And I ate a freaking bean burrito. ARG... that must be why no one likes me--cuz I'm too freaking fat!!

I'm done ranting. Hopefully I won't binge because of this.  

I think it's about time I posted to my journal again in addition to the little tidbits of memos.
Kay, I'll start with:

My name is Ivana.
I'm 17.
I'm from around Seattle.
I get bored a lot.
I love reading magazines.
I'm considering becoming veggie.
I'm in college right now.

I often feel pathetic all too easily.
And now Sara[h] is coming so I gotta boot.
Toodles! 

 * Wasted by Marya Hornblancher
* Stick Figure: A Diary of my Former Self by Lou Gottleib
* The Passion of Alice by Stephanie Grant
* Inner Hunger: A Young Woman's Struggle through Anorexia and Bulimia by Marianna Apostolides
* Eve's Apple by Jonathan Rosen
* The Golden Cage: The Enigma of Anorexia Nervosa by Hilde Brunch, M.D.
* Slim to None by Jennifer Hendricks
* Heartstones by Ruth Rendell
* Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff

http://images.cbimg3.com/livejournal/10/2325.jpg




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Well, that's saying too much. You see, my life is very boring, right? Uhuh yeah. So this particular Monday, the day went very, very slow. Except maybe for Art, where I laughed a lot along with Amber, Sam, Cameron, and Tyler.

After French Club, Cici came to drive me home. She was in a hurry for work so when we got home, she said, "Kay, get out." So I did, and then I remembered that my key was in my book bag. See, I only took home a few books and my gym bag. I didn't really feel like working out until Dad got home, 'cause that is a very long time. So then as Cici drove off, I was like, "Shit! You CICI!" But of course she didn't hear me. Anyway, I got kind of frustrated but not really, since I've so been in this position before, so many times, really.

So then I walked to Fairmount to talk to Hansel if he had his house key. Bastard said he didn't, but I think he was lying. So then I walked home, and I was like, oh maybe the patio door is open. Sometimes I open it if I know in the morning I don't have my key (ummm that makes no sense, but oh well). But it wasn't open, just the screen door. Grr.

I tried the garage again. Nope. Tried the so-called programmed key pad, but I programmed wrong, I know that. I called the keypad company, but hung up before I got connected.

Then I was like, Oy dude, my room. I mean I don't really close it so freakin' tight. So I tried to get the screen door off. I used my nail file. Yes, my half-gone blue and pink nail file. Yes, it lifted and moved the screen door when needed. And yes, it worked!

I got the screen door off, then pushed my window aside, then pulled up the blinds. I tried to jump in, but I guess the window is a little higher that I thought. So I gathered my books and my shoebox, stood on it, and jumped in. It took a while, but yes, I did it! Whoo-hoo! This is the part in a TV show where the cheer track comes on with the clapping. :D

See, that might not sound like much to you. And it really is not very much. But I am so very proud of myself. It's like, wow I can break into houses...hmmm. :)

Colleges love their students to be a well-rounded individual. And in most cases, that means to be a person who can balance her life and handle every aspect of education, along with family and friends. A good student should be able to handle good grades, sports, music, plus a special talent/skill that may or may not be from the above fields. A special student is one that would be accepted to colleges.

Even before I knew this, I've always wanted to be involved. Violin for music; something graceful and classy like dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, or skating for sports. You know, it's kind of sad that I have never gotten my chances to do any of this. I guess I cannot blame my parents because they have worked so hard for a living and to get me and my siblings into the best schools we can afford. All for our fundamentals.

But fundamentals aren't just academics. I need a skill. And for now, I've got none, really to be honest. That's why I'm not going to rest until I get in higher level classes.

Mr. Stelling, my Kamiak counselor, replied my e-mail. Since I missed testings and forms, he said that I would need A's, teacher recommendations, and such. Otherwise he says, I should start with core classes and work my way up. Yeah, right. I'm seriously going to make sure I get in. If I need, and I probably will, I'll throw in that I made the effort to do summer assignments that I wasn't sure I had to do because I'm not in the class anyway. I've made the effort all summer and I'm not going to let that go to waste.

Speaking of, I should go finish assignments now. I have to do dishes first. Oh pain. Anyway.

So cici said that i have to do shit for her and in return she'll pay me 50 this month and less others. so i was like, ok whatever. i have to do things neway even if i dont get paid, which i dont. so then i was gonna go shopping with adrienne, like today or next wk. idk. neway she was like, thts not how the real world works so ill give u biwekkly payments. im like, ok whutevs right? So then today she gave me 25 and i was just like really nonchalant cuz i didnt really care. so then i put it next to the comp just bc thts wut i do. then later in the nite, when she was on, she was like take ur money or ill take it bakk. im like, uhuh. technically, since its my money now, cant i put it wherever i want? then she was like all, well that means that you dont appreciate what i give you. so i laughed and said, uhuh. lets talk about appreciation. and she was like for what? and im like, duh things like the internet doing u shit. and idr what she said and idc really, but then she stormed out. and i was like, ok w/e. so now idk where the money is and idrc bc i can just tell mom and idk wut will happen but whatever.

so she told me few days ago to download word again cuz we ran out of trial time. so i did the installer and it said i cant idk y. so if she complains, then thts her problem. but then uno what i think? since shes getting a laptop, technically, she will not be using this comp. which means it is given to me, like a hand-me-down. so idk i was thinking about that and i got kinda pissed. cuz then ill be the one without microsoft word. so then i thought about it more. if they seriously do that to me, i will be so frekin pissed beyond doubt. bc they always do that to me, and its entirely unfair. like if i think back, they have never enrolled me in any class whatsoever to build up my talents. and now that i think about it, it is really really unfair. bc ino that hansel is prolly getting his own comp, and im always stuck with the things that nobody wants anymore. and im not even mad anymore, now im just sad. k ino that like cici was the firstborn n hansel is the youngest, and im in the middle and its all just one big cliche. but i mean, come on! cici got ballet lessons and idk what else. the only reason she didnt get braces and i did was bc my teeth were worse than hers. k and she had a cellie when she was in what sixth? and theyre thinking about giving me one NOW. oh and dont forget. they threw her a fucking birthday party in which everyone was too spoiled, and we ended up paying for stuff that no one ate. oh and thats right. but they can just FORGET MINE!!! im sorry to always be bringing it up, but those kinds of things one could never forget. And i was talking to dad that hansel told me he wants to play piano, and i want him to have a great life and so i told dad and if hansel is actually serious, theyll probably go through with it...something that will never happen to me. and yes, i admit it. im jealous. i am hella jealous. i will probably be the most jealous kid today. i could just ezli point out things in my life that i am not happy with. for instance all of the above, and the fact that i have to spend pretty much 24/7 in this house, and the fact that nobody understand anything in how i feel. and maybe they choose not to. who knows. i feel so alone.

i have outgrown pretty much all my clothes. and when we go shopping, i'll probably be able to buy only a couple things. and i cannot go to school like that. call me shallow, but thats the way it works. im just so worried. i dont want the next three years of my life to be like hell. i have...absolutely no idea what im going to do. im just feeling really brain dead right now. so ill get off.

omg wut the hell. y are my parents so hypocritical, seriously? theyre like stop biting your nails!! and ilm like, shut up u dont know how hard it is to break a habit. and its like theyre not even listening! they just go, ya well its a bad habit. and im like, thts wut i just said. i mean gosh!! inside, im like, like when did u stop smoking, Dad? and then mom. shes like, when will u stop overworrying about money or overworking? or something like that.

they are such hypocrites it's unbelievable.

tht thing just deleted everything i wrote. jesus fucking christ. i hate this stupid ass of a stupid thing.

dude the other night, like wed-thu, i had a dream. when i woke up it was so really really vague. wut i do remember is, i kissed jarett in it. omg dude. its like whut i expected. like i cant explain it, but in there, it really did send a jolt through my body. and then i think like i told him to keep it a secret or sumtin, or he said that i dunno. but yeah we like kept it a secret or sumtin, and when i see him we would like smile. i think we were on this adventure thingy in the dream.

it was frekin weird as hell cuz im the one who kissed him first. waaaaaaaaa

shit i am so screwed. uno how hard it is to handle two boys at once? stazy talked to me and i sooooo miss him event tho we never really talked while he was here. i miss looking at him... god this brought back some painful memories. for me its painful, but for you, its nuthing.

yeah im weird

anwyasy,, jesus, jarett likes meghan i think. and i am so screwed cuz even tho i didnt say anything, now she's like suspecting it.

and i cant believe theyre like all there havin like a sleepover without me. i didnt even know about it. jeez. i feel so alone. partly its my parents fault. like 90%. or 99.9%.

neways, jarett was like sending me on a wild goose chase yesterday. he asked me who ithink he likes and i was like trying to guess. in the end, that toilet paper said he was kidding.

and today, he was like, i love meghan. and he wants to ask ehr out and sutff. i didnt believe him but he said he was serious and he even called me. he didnt really sound serious to me but he wasnt cracking up either. so. he said he'll do it on monday in front of me too.

he was like, what should i d? what should i say to her? bla and crap and shit like that.

gawd.